*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I am yelling
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Duolingo getting serious.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
one last job
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*