WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.