a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet