Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
How do you milk an almond?
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
mechanics be like
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.