I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.