In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
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Real House Wines.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff