“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
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I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor