[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
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kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?