Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
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Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”