i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
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[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.