I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
house sitting!
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it