You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
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If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.