hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.