Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
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*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
This kinda thing happens to me often