I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
me and who
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Worst Native American name ever.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.