If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
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Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion