Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
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Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”