[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
You Might Also Like
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Ape together strong
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.