Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
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Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine