[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
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Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*