[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
every single time
He took my last fry, your honor
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.