I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
horrifying if literal: the electric slide