My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
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Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.