So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
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One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.