“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Covid like
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room