Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
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[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.