Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
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me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Happy Halloween 🎃
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry