Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Breaking news:
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.