BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
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My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.