[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
5 ways to appear taller
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend