Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
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Yup
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.