Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Interior design 👌
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Lassie, get help!
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Carpe DM