The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
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they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
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Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
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[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
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where the womens at?