How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.