Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
You Might Also Like
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.