UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.