texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?