The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
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Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat