My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.