Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.