*updates tinder bio*
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I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
twitter users today:
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Selfie
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.