It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
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Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Don’t tell me what to do
Help Wanted
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?