the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
President The Rock Obama
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table