Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
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Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs