Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Was it something I said?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
pep talk
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.