Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD