Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
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Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.