I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
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Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I like long walks away from everyone
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?