[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
You Might Also Like
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.