“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.